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Memorial created 08-12-2017 by
JoySters
Michael (Mikel) Ryan Surget
November 26 1986 - April 29 2017

SKATE AZ

This online memorial is created in loving memory of Michael (Mikel) Surget, whose life story is told throughout this memorial website. If you have a story of your own to add, you are encouraged to do so in the guestbook. Mikel brought many adventures and stories to the lives of those that knew him. Please don't go before signing Mikel's guest book. Let us know you came to visit. :o)

The song you hear playing is I'M OUT NINE by DEAD MOON one of Mikel's favorite bands.

 

MY MIKEY

A gamut of emotions runs through my being when I realize that my son is dead. A tidal wave of emotion that takes the breath away, still rolls in and over my person as the words "my son is dead" goes through the mind. There is a want to deny that it is possible, that I will never see him again, all the missed opportunities! You can be crippled by grief and thoughts of what could have been. However, thoughts do not change what is and what is, is that you are no longer here in this world. I will never touch you again. I will never kiss all over your face again. I will never hear your voice again. Death has a way of waking one up and then knocking one down. I see you so differently now Mikel/Michael. MyMichael. Death has made you my beautiful boy again. I lost you. I had lost you and now I have found you and you are not here.

I was fifteen years old when I gave birth to Mikel ... he was a month early. He had been due on Christmas but showed up for Thanksgiving. I was so thankful he showed up. It was a horrible time in my life, basically he saved me as I had found out I was pregnant after a suicide attempt. It changed everything. Everything. There was something, someone to live for and reality rapidly changed. It was not an easy life for him or I, basically we grew up together. We played many different rolls for one another through the years, but I don't think he ever fully grasped that he has been raised basically by a child. He just saw me as "Mom" like we all see our parents, we don't think about their lives outside of ours. However, he did one time mention that someone had complimented him on how well he turned out in spite of being raised by a teenager and it is true, he turned out really well. He was an incredibly smart and gifted child. Sure, every parent says that but he was moved into the gifted class in second grade and always did well in school. He was a very sensitive boy. His feelings were easily hurt and he was very protective of me for a very long time. He also was a ball of energy and enjoyed sports. He played football with his best friend Ryan Hill, until we moved from NJ to AZ and then he stopped wanting to go. In fact he started to hate it so much that he would get in-grown toenails that had to be removed by a doctor just so he wouldn't have to play. We had two toenails removed in one season. Finally, we gave up the ball and he picked up the board. The skateboard that is and he was in love, madly in love. We spent much of our lives after that at skateparks, skateshops and doctor's offices from injuries. He met his friend Matt Price at Unity Church and they were nearly inseparable for a time. He was always interested in art and photography ... just like Matt and they created a skate video called: TOO HOT TO SKATE which I am unable to locate so if you have a copy or a link to where it can be found please send it along. 

There were many bumps in the road for Mikel, we all have them but he had some cards stacked against him, not to make excuses just to understand that he struggled as he got older with many of the same things that I go through myself. There is a saying that an unhealed healer cannot heal and that is certainly the case in my relationship with Mikel, especially as he got older. We went through many of the same things. I know his dark night(s) because I know my own, but this is all in retrospect now and that is always 20/20. I had no idea it had gotten as dark as it did for him. I didn't know that because I was dealing with my own dark night(s). He just didn't make it through.

There is a small sense of relief that he will not have to face another one, if you know of what I speak then you understand, but there such deep sadness that he couldn't see his way through that night to see that it would have worked out, whatever he thought wouldn't work out, would have, but that is over now and I know that you cannot tell someone that is in the midst of darkness that there is light. I know this personally. When the dark night comes it is as if there has never been light and one doesn't even recall what light is.

He just didn't make it.

I am not saying that it shouldn't have gone the way it did. I don't know his agony, I only mine. I only know that sometimes it gets so dark that you may not make it out. Only someone who has gone through this will understand what is being shared here. There are some moments where there is no bright side. Mikel struggled with this but I didn't realize how dark it had gotten for him and there are no quick fixes to these kinds of things. Chemistry has much to do with how the body functions and a few members of our family have had chemistry that is dibilitating. Again, I didn't realize that he had inherited this chemistry. I knew that he had some challenges with drugs but that is typical in this day and age. However, what he was going through was more than addiction and I didn't know that. I didn't understand it and even if I did, I don't know that I could have helped him, we might have just sunk together. You don't ever know and death ends your ever finding out.

Let's get back to the brighter days. Mikel was actually born Michael Ryan Surget. I had named him Mikel Ryan Surget but the person that took down the information for the birth certificate put down Michael and I never went and legally changed it. However, I told Mikel this story when he was a teenager and he started spelling it that way. You probably know him as Mikel, but there was a time that he was Michael.

MyMichael.

He was a beautiful baby! My files are currently a mess and I can't find his baby pictures at the moment, but the first time I laid eyes on him I knew the depths of Love. Even at my young age I experienced a profoundly deep sense of LOVE when I looked into his amazingly huge and LOVE FILLED EYES. I can still see them right this minute as if I am there looking at him again (happy tears).

He was so small, but actually huge for a premature child. I had gestational diabetes while pregnant which made him gain weight quicker than a normal pregnancy, which worked well since he came early. They kept him in the hospital to gain weight and he was jaundice as well ... it was torture to go home without him. He was colic for the first two months of his life, if you don't know what that is, it is gas in the intestines and it is very painful and he cried all the time.

All the time.

But like all things, it passed (gas ;o) and the first three years of his life were pretty good. I won't say it was easy. It was not easy and I have challenges that I have had to face all this life with depression and bouts of instability in my mental well-being and so I don't know how this affected Mikel when he was young ... I just know that it did, there is no way that it couldn't have. However, he was such a resilent boy. He cared for me so deeply and I him. He was the most important thing in my life and it probably wasn't fair to make him the whole world, but for the most part, he was my whole world and I was his for quite a long time.

I have dedicated many songs to Mikel one which you will find on the photo page, "Thanks for my Child" is one of the first one's I did. I was so grateful for him. At that point in time he was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

He loved to draw me pictures and write little stories and that grew as he grew up. He started a company with his friend Matt Price called KWESCHIN (For Life) and he made hats and t-shirts which you will see in the photo section. He was exteremly creative. He made this video out of still photos he set up and took himself ... it  blew my mind and still does:

https://www.youtube.com/edit?o=U&feature=vm&video_id=buaxPd9GhVg

There are so many stories that can be shared ... we took cross-country road trips ... stopping at all the skateparks along the way and we listened to THE TEACHINGS OF DON JUAN in the car:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2957nSMhF9U

We read books together and went to Disney World and we snaggled ... he loved to snaggle (snuggle) there were endless amounts of hugs and kisses while he was growing up. He would often grab me an throw me down and hug on me in a very affectionate way. He was a very talented and creative person. He didn't mind torturing me with things like staging a car accident photo shoot (see photos) which made me fear his death for years after that. He liked to make you think about things that aren't always easy to consider. He used to get so mad at me at times and say:

 

"The only consistancy in your life is inconsistency!"

And: 

"You always state the obvious!"

 

It used to make him mad that I always would state the obvious. But he never held a grudge until he got older. When he was a teenager he was such a free spirit ... a free bird ... I know many of you out there ... Matt, David, Eugene  ... you guys knew the Mikey I knew ... but things changed after I left AZ. Something shifted in him and never went back. He grew angry and it didn't go away. 

My mind wants to keep making attempts to go back and do things differently, to be stronger, to push him harder, to help him more completely, but that person did the best they could with what they were at the time and it wasn't enough. However, you can see and take responsiblity for the inabilities in one's life without a guilt trip. You just see what you see and maybe it shifts things in you and for someone else, even if you can't give it to the one who helped you see it.

You never know what life is going to use you for.

Life used Mikel to touch many lives. I know there are so many of you out there who's lives have been touched by knowing Mikel and I hope you share those stories ... I know it is helpful to write what is being written here right now. It is helpful to me because I have been missing him. The Heart is Breaking. It has broken many times since April and continues to Break but this pain is a Gift. MyBaby. Dammit. A very painfilled HeartBreakingly Beautiful Gift.

There is a saying:

"There is beauty in the pain."

It isn't always easy to see, but it is there. MyBeautifulBoy. It probably seems I am rambling, but it is what is needed at this time, to have an outlet to remember myBaby. To let the Heart ache and break and the tears flow. I hope you use this space to process out anything that you have come up for you around Mikel as well. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for whatever relationship you had with my Son.

 

MINE! BUT NOT MINE.

Wrote the following a day after Mikel passed. It came up to share it here.

MIKEL

November 26, 1986 - April 29, 2017

 

Wayneji and Kayemomma came by yesterday and it was known you were gone. As soon as we sat down on the couch and Wayneji looked at me and said: 

 

“Do you know what happened.”

 

All the events of that past night flashed through mind’s eye … Erlinda leaving a message that you were gone … gone, gone, what does gone mean … has he run off again? A loud banging around 3am … getting up to see who was there but it was just a cop car in the parking lot … maybe he was banging on someone’s door … maybe this one. All those things now look like precursors breaking the blow that you are no longer in this world.  

 

The body trembles and weeps at this loss. Even though in one sense it was almost expected, one can never expect death, even when they see it coming years in advance. 

 

MyBoy it is over for you … you don’t have to look at those judgmental eyes anymore. You are no longer misunderstood. Your anger is finally resolved. The HateFace has been removed … revealing to those that Know who is truly there.

 

In a sense you didn’t have a chance … you never really had a chance. You were born to a self-destructive teenage mother that had very little support in raising you. I know my breakdown when you were fourteen, crippled you. I know it took the foundation out from under your feet and left you fending in an unfamiliar world. And then to worsen the blow Mark died (http://www.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=8939&page_no=1) shortly after that and all our foundations were rocked again. I couldn’t help you … who is to say … how does one ever know if they could have done anything differently. In the mind, the mind always says it could have been different … I could have gotten my act together and taken care of you in such away that you didn’t end up feeling so alone and abandoned. I came back, we had a few years together that left you feeling a bit stable again … we had a house … we had some support, more support than had been had in a long time and we were all together. But I was not altogether and then I left  again … this time you were eighteen and I thought you could handle being on your own. But another series of events hit you like a ton of bricks and then you had no where for a time … going from friend to friend, couch to couch … it finally got too much and you reached out and came to us but by that time you had really sunk quite low. You had scribbled tattoos all over your body … writing on the outside the pain within. It was then I got the first glimpse that I would you lose you.

 

There have had a few sleepless nights but none so dark as the first time you went to jail. Never had I felt so completely connected to your person … connected in fear and holding you in the Light. It was not a Dark Night you went through alone. I thought jail might wake you up a bit … that it might show you it is not a road you wish to take and I suppose it did because you are no longer here.


You got out of jail, but it hadn’t taught you anything but hatred … and you didn’t want help you just wanted to get back to your friends … celebrate your release where I wanted to get you settled in … you walked away and I left and again … things did not go well for you for a long time. 

 

Then you got a job and some stability and you met Erlinda. Although you both had rocky times you love/loved one another. But relationships are not easy and do not always last in the way we would like them to and you were faced once again with life on your own … basically alone because no one really saw you. 

 

Even I struggled to see you at times … I struggled to see past the anger and past hurt and past the tattoos and the drugs and drinking and the raging to the Heart that really was so very Tender and Bright. Mikel it was always so obviously there, yourHeart. I know you had a deep anger and even sometimes hatred towards my person. I was not what you wanted and most times not what you needed. I have been told that sometimes death is the cure. I would say that with what we have gone through, and I say “we” because it seems that I have handed down to you, that which was handed down to me … in many regards … as your Heart shined so brightly because you knew mine, but your mind was in turmoil because you knew mine. 

 

I know the dark night you faced … I didn’t think you would opt out, but that is always an option. I know how bleak it looks sometimes. I know that it seems as if people will always look at you that way, never hear what you truly mean or see who you truly are. That the eyes will always be judging and cold. But you no longer have to see them. You served your time and it is over.

 

This body grieves you. This body grieves for all that it didn’t do. This body grieves that so much anger and pain was held in your body. Such a beautiful body. I know the want to destroy it … to blame it for all ones woes. Not seeing that we do it to ourselves … we don’t know until it is too late that we have done it to ourselves. Our fear and lashing out pushes everyone away and then we wonder where everyone went. 

 

You are in us all now … all of those whose lives you touched in one way or another. You are in us now. You get to see from the inside; what we were not able to show you from the outside. 

 

I know you had your bright moments … those moments that come that are good and remind one why they keep on keeping on, but I was not able to show or share with you what those things come and go in. It was not something you could hear from me and it is still something at times that is a struggle myself … to rest in … especially now … especially when the mind … when the thoughts are running rampant with loss and blame and guilt, but there is something that is not a thing that can be rested in. It is where the mind can’t go. it is where the mind can’t reach because the mind itself is in it. 

 

Stillness. 

 

That which is:

 

Still. 

 

If I could have helped you in some way to know this, it might have offered you some solace, but sometimes the mind’s noise is so loud and scary and fearful that you don’t stop and see that those are just thoughts. You don’t see the Dark Night is nothing more than thoughts. But I know. I know how real thoughts get … how real they can seem … so real that the only way you think you can silence them is through death. And that is one way, but it is not the only way. The way I would have liked to show you, to show myself is that you can take the attention off of them. At first is it very challenging to do so, but you can take the attention off of thoughts any time … right now (pause)

 

… and put it on That which doesn’t move and then you are in Peace. 

 

True Peace. 

 

 

Not the peace that comes and goes:

 

True Peace. 

 

But this I was not able to give you … it is not some thing one one can give … it is who one is. All one can do is point another to it. In a sense, to Point and to be Still for them and this has not been something that has been stable in my person. I don’t always place the attention there and yet now you have brought the greatest gift in your death … the gift to remember Stillness, even when the mind is screaming it is not here … when the mind is blaming for everything that wasn’t done and didn’t happen, your death is fertile training ground for Truth.

“Life uses anything and everything to point to Truth.”

-Wayneji

I won’t lie and tell you the mind hasn’t come out with it’s big guns loaded. I have not tried to deny the things that it has shared in regard to my part in your death. Placing the attention on Truth; on Stillness, on That which does not move is not to avoid what its coming up, it is not about avoidance. It is simply what is True. 

Picking the Truth over the illusion is no easy task. Often the illusion, such as now, makes it a very challenging choice. However, when you choose Truth first and then see where it leads, maybe no where, maybe all over, one never knows, then you bring Stillness wherever you are. I did not get this Pointing through to you in this life. It is very hard to Hear the one you hold responsible for your pain, as you blamed me and here I am still blaming life. I can’t Hear life because I blame it for how I am and you couldn’t hear me because you blamed me. Yet now, you are Still once again, you do not move, you now hold the Truth for me. I know where you are. You are in the space between thoughts. You see through us all now. Life in the world is over for you. Another day does not have to be faced. Now I face it for you. I now know what it means to say: 

“The body weeps; but I do not weep.”  

And that:

“Sometimes death is the cure."

 Now you are my Teacher. Now you are That which does not move, alter or shift in any way, shape or form. What I could not be for you; you are for me. Your life is not in vain; it is used in the Truest sense. To Point one back to the Truth of who they Are and there is no Greater Gift a Life can give.

MyFriend. MyBrother. MySon. Mine but not Mine. Namaste. 

 

 

 

MIKEY

The following is a writing assignment for an English class back in 1994, when I was 23 years old which offers a glimpse at the kind of relationship I had with him at that time.

 

MIKEY

March 9, 1994

Mikey is my seven year old son. Of course, I am going to sound prejudice because he's my son, but he is the sweetest, most gentle, sensitive and sincere little boy I've met. 

Mikey is very opinionated, but he also has an open mind to other people's thoughts. When he believes in something, he stands by it till the end. Michael is very picky about his clothes and appearance (spends a lot of time in front of the mirror).

What I find most special about my son is how loving he is. He has had a lot of loss in his short seven years (family loss), but he doesn't hold grudges and he tries to understand everyone's side. If I 'm upset with something he has done, he feels like his life is over until I accept his apology (and he'll hug and kiss me and tell me he's sorry one hundred times until I do accept it).

Mikey is the most important person in my life and I wouldn't want to be here without him.

 

BROS ...

 A short but utterly sweet story about Mikel and his brother Tyler. When I was pregnant with Tyler ... Mikel and I were sitting outside of my mother's home and he said:

"Mom can I ask you something?"

And I said:

"Sure."

And he said:

"Am I the father of the baby?"

And this threw me for a loop ... I couldn't imagine why he would be asking such a thing and I replied:

"No Mikel you are not the father. Why would you ask that?"

And he said:

"Because I wished so long and hard for a brother that I thought I made him."

(((MIKEL/TMAN)))

 

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